1
00:00:01,166 --> 00:00:04,435
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:04,437 --> 00:00:07,772
♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪
3
00:00:07,774 --> 00:00:10,809
♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪
4
00:00:10,811 --> 00:00:13,311
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:13,313 --> 00:00:16,715
♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪
6
00:00:16,717 --> 00:00:19,851
♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪
7
00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:25,056
♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:25,058 --> 00:00:28,226
♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪
9
00:00:28,228 --> 00:00:31,329
♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪
10
00:00:31,331 --> 00:00:35,633
♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪
11
00:00:35,635 --> 00:00:41,239
♪ Those were the days ♪
12
00:00:46,045 --> 00:00:48,813
Edith, I'm home,
and I'm sore as hell.
13
00:00:48,815 --> 00:00:53,617
There you are!
14
00:00:53,619 --> 00:00:56,620
All right, all right,
all right, all right, all right.
15
00:00:56,622 --> 00:00:57,956
How was your day?
16
00:00:57,958 --> 00:01:01,459
My day was stinko.
17
00:01:01,461 --> 00:01:05,663
And I'm hungry, Edith, so get
some dinner on the table, huh?
18
00:01:05,665 --> 00:01:07,465
Yeah, sure.
You're gonna love it!
19
00:01:07,467 --> 00:01:10,168
Oh, I bet I can guess
what it is, Edith.
20
00:01:10,170 --> 00:01:11,336
Is it meatloaf?
21
00:01:11,338 --> 00:01:13,704
How did you know?
22
00:01:13,706 --> 00:01:18,843
Of course this ain't my day,
Edith, and I had meatloaf for lunch.
23
00:01:18,845 --> 00:01:21,846
All right, forget about it.
Just serve it up.
24
00:01:21,848 --> 00:01:23,347
Let's get it over with.
25
00:01:23,349 --> 00:01:25,984
Oh, yeah, well,
you're gonna love it,
26
00:01:25,986 --> 00:01:28,053
'cause this meatloaf
is different.
27
00:01:28,055 --> 00:01:32,123
Instead of bread crumbs,
I used bran flakes.
28
00:01:36,562 --> 00:01:38,730
You put bran flakes
into a meatloaf?
29
00:01:38,732 --> 00:01:40,899
Yeah, they're good for ya.
30
00:01:40,901 --> 00:01:43,368
Oh, jeez, Edith,
when you're cookin',
31
00:01:43,370 --> 00:01:48,639
just concentrate on makin'
the food fit to go in, never mind goin' out.
32
00:01:53,979 --> 00:01:55,980
Well, ain't you
gonna ask me
33
00:01:55,982 --> 00:01:57,982
why my day was stinko?
34
00:01:57,984 --> 00:02:02,120
Yeah, sure.
Why was your day stinko?
35
00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:03,855
Stretch's fault again.
36
00:02:03,857 --> 00:02:05,990
Oh, Stretch Cunningham?
37
00:02:05,992 --> 00:02:07,826
That's right.
Stretch Cunningham.
38
00:02:07,828 --> 00:02:12,097
The most hot-blooded
white man I know.
39
00:02:12,099 --> 00:02:13,631
There I am, Edith.
40
00:02:13,633 --> 00:02:16,367
A brand new, big shipment
on the loading dock,
41
00:02:16,369 --> 00:02:18,502
and I'm short-handed
anyway, you know,
42
00:02:18,504 --> 00:02:21,039
and at that moment,
Stretch, see,
43
00:02:21,041 --> 00:02:25,310
makes believe he's sick
and takes off on one of his matinees.
44
00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:27,812
He went to the movies?
45
00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:30,548
Edith, Edith.
"Matinees."
46
00:02:30,550 --> 00:02:32,850
I explained that word
to you once before.
47
00:02:32,852 --> 00:02:35,220
You don't remember
"matinee," huh?
48
00:02:35,222 --> 00:02:39,224
Playin' dirty doctor
in the afternoon.
49
00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:43,561
You still don't
get it, huh?
50
00:02:43,563 --> 00:02:46,531
It's what normal,
decent people do
51
00:02:46,533 --> 00:02:49,701
when they come home at night
and go upstairs.
52
00:02:53,205 --> 00:02:54,505
Ohh.
53
00:02:56,908 --> 00:02:59,677
Ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding.
54
00:02:59,679 --> 00:03:03,481
Oh, Archie. Stretch
would never do that.
55
00:03:03,483 --> 00:03:05,216
What are you
talking about?
56
00:03:05,218 --> 00:03:07,985
He does it every chance
he gets, Edith.
57
00:03:07,987 --> 00:03:11,322
Eat your salad.
It's good ruffage.
58
00:03:11,324 --> 00:03:17,061
Edith, at my age,
I don't need ruffage, I need smoothage.
59
00:03:17,063 --> 00:03:19,864
And every time Stretch
does this, you see,
60
00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:22,133
I'm the guy who's gotta
do his work for him.
61
00:03:22,135 --> 00:03:24,536
I'm tired of him
floozing around, you know.
62
00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:28,540
I mean, he gets all
the fun out of it. I get the backache.
63
00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,208
[PHONE RINGS]
64
00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:32,209
I'll get it.
Eat your salad.
65
00:03:32,211 --> 00:03:36,914
I ain't gonna stop naggin' you
till you finish all of it.
66
00:03:36,916 --> 00:03:39,150
Hello.
67
00:03:39,152 --> 00:03:42,253
Oh, hi, Hank.
How are you?
68
00:03:44,290 --> 00:03:48,926
No. He's in the kitchen,
dumping out his salad!
69
00:03:54,967 --> 00:03:57,335
What?
70
00:03:57,337 --> 00:03:59,437
Oh, no.
71
00:04:00,706 --> 00:04:04,542
Oh, my goodness.
That's terrible.
72
00:04:04,544 --> 00:04:07,312
What--what happened?
73
00:04:08,981 --> 00:04:11,916
Oh, my.
74
00:04:13,119 --> 00:04:16,054
Well, yeah.
I'll tell him.
75
00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:18,189
Yeah.
76
00:04:18,191 --> 00:04:21,592
Oh, thanks
for calling, Hank.
77
00:04:21,594 --> 00:04:22,760
Bye.
78
00:04:31,770 --> 00:04:33,838
So, who was that?
79
00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:35,172
Archie...
80
00:04:35,174 --> 00:04:39,176
Stretch Cunningham is dead.
81
00:04:42,815 --> 00:04:43,981
What?
82
00:04:43,983 --> 00:04:48,719
That was Hank Pivnik.
He called to tell us.
83
00:04:50,456 --> 00:04:51,622
Oh, no.
84
00:04:51,624 --> 00:04:53,124
Yeah.
85
00:04:54,893 --> 00:04:56,261
What happened?
86
00:04:56,263 --> 00:04:58,829
He had a heart attack.
87
00:04:58,831 --> 00:05:02,734
Oh, over at
the girlfriend's.
88
00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:07,338
Oh, Edith, lots of guys
get heart attacks right in the middle.
89
00:05:09,475 --> 00:05:11,375
Oh, no.
90
00:05:11,377 --> 00:05:15,480
Hank said he died
in the doctor's office.
91
00:05:15,482 --> 00:05:19,283
Oh, he crawled over there.
92
00:05:22,855 --> 00:05:24,823
Oh, Edith. Jeez.
93
00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:29,327
Archie, do you
want to cry?
94
00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:33,832
'Cause it's okay for a man
to cry if he wants to.
95
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:35,934
No, Edith.
I don't want to cry.
96
00:05:35,936 --> 00:05:39,470
The Reader's Digest
says it's okay.
97
00:05:43,809 --> 00:05:47,278
Then let
The Reader's Digest cry.
98
00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:50,381
Little condensed tears.
99
00:05:55,354 --> 00:05:58,556
Archie, is it
in the morning paper?
100
00:05:58,558 --> 00:06:00,057
Well...
101
00:06:00,059 --> 00:06:03,495
There's a Cunningham
here in the oblituaries, Edith.
102
00:06:06,064 --> 00:06:08,065
The name is Jerome,
which--
103
00:06:08,067 --> 00:06:11,035
Well, unless that was
his nickname, huh?
104
00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:15,906
Oh, no. Stretch
was his nickname.
105
00:06:15,908 --> 00:06:18,810
You might be right,
Edith, yeah.
106
00:06:18,812 --> 00:06:21,912
What the hell
does this mean here? "Fun serv pend."
107
00:06:21,914 --> 00:06:25,583
Oh, that means
"funeral services pending."
108
00:06:25,585 --> 00:06:28,185
Oh, gee.
109
00:06:28,187 --> 00:06:30,921
One of these days,
we're going to open up the papers, Edith,
110
00:06:30,923 --> 00:06:32,390
and we're going
to see our names
111
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:34,592
with "fun serv pend"
down there.
112
00:06:34,594 --> 00:06:38,195
Oh, Archie,
we shouldn't talk like that.
113
00:06:38,197 --> 00:06:40,965
We shouldn't even be sad.
114
00:06:40,967 --> 00:06:46,504
If Stretch was here,
he'd be tellin' jokes, and making us laugh.
115
00:06:46,506 --> 00:06:49,106
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Gee, he used to say
116
00:06:49,108 --> 00:06:51,008
some funny things,
didn't he though?
117
00:06:51,010 --> 00:06:54,278
Oh, yeah.
[LAUGHS]
118
00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:56,281
No, don't laugh too much.
Don't laugh too much.
119
00:06:56,283 --> 00:06:57,515
Be polite. Be polite.
120
00:06:59,918 --> 00:07:02,387
I'll tell you though,
the thing that makes me feel bad
121
00:07:02,389 --> 00:07:05,390
is all the mean things
I was sayin'
122
00:07:05,392 --> 00:07:07,992
about his matinees
and all of that, you know?
123
00:07:09,995 --> 00:07:14,732
He could have been dead
right when I was complaini'' about him, Edith, yeah?
124
00:07:14,734 --> 00:07:17,502
Hey. Maybe he even heard me.
125
00:07:17,504 --> 00:07:21,071
Oh, no. He couldn't
have heard you,
126
00:07:21,073 --> 00:07:23,875
'specially if he was dead.
127
00:07:25,544 --> 00:07:29,547
Dead is the time
when a spirit hears things, Edith.
128
00:07:29,549 --> 00:07:32,050
Now, how do you know
that Stretch's spirit
129
00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:35,153
ain't here right now,
listenin' to every word we say?
130
00:07:35,155 --> 00:07:37,788
Right here,
in this room.
131
00:07:48,467 --> 00:07:51,235
But he lived in the Bronx.
132
00:07:54,873 --> 00:07:58,476
His spirit didn't have
to stay in the Bronx.
133
00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:03,181
Jeez, if you was his spirit,
would you stay in the Bronx?
134
00:08:03,183 --> 00:08:04,182
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
135
00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:06,150
Aah! Oh!
136
00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:09,287
Oh, my goodness.
That was the door.
137
00:08:09,289 --> 00:08:10,588
Of course,
it's the door.
138
00:08:10,590 --> 00:08:11,589
[KNOCK]
139
00:08:11,591 --> 00:08:13,524
Oh, yeah.
I'm coming.
140
00:08:13,526 --> 00:08:15,193
I'll get it.
I'll get it.
141
00:08:15,195 --> 00:08:16,627
Oh, my.
142
00:08:18,263 --> 00:08:19,863
Excuse me. Is this
the Bunker house?
143
00:08:19,865 --> 00:08:20,864
Oh, yeah.
144
00:08:20,866 --> 00:08:22,166
My name is Harry Moss.
145
00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:24,402
I'm Stretch Cunningham's
brother-in-law.
146
00:08:24,404 --> 00:08:26,037
Archie,
Stretch Cunningham's brother-in-law...
147
00:08:26,039 --> 00:08:28,406
Yeah, I know. I heard,
I heard, I heard you.
148
00:08:28,408 --> 00:08:30,408
Just step aside.
Let me take over here.
149
00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:33,378
Yeah, I'm Archie Bunker.
How are you? Come on in.
150
00:08:33,380 --> 00:08:34,745
Here, let me
have your coat. Thanks.
151
00:08:34,747 --> 00:08:36,014
His coat--
yeah, yeah.
152
00:08:42,321 --> 00:08:44,122
Well, well, well.
153
00:08:44,124 --> 00:08:45,623
Huh, Edith?
154
00:08:45,625 --> 00:08:48,359
Yeah.
Well, well, well.
155
00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:50,528
[SIGHS]
156
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:52,563
We're awful
sorry and all.
157
00:08:52,565 --> 00:08:54,598
Jeez, he went like that.
[SNAPS]
158
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:58,036
We didn't have chance
to run over there and say nothing to him...
159
00:08:58,038 --> 00:09:01,439
It's too bad he didn't have
a lingering death, huh?
160
00:09:01,441 --> 00:09:02,940
Yeah, well, come on in.
161
00:09:02,942 --> 00:09:04,842
Come on in. Come on.
Just make yourself at home.
162
00:09:04,844 --> 00:09:06,177
Just sit down, see?
Thank you.
163
00:09:06,179 --> 00:09:07,445
Oh, but not there.
Sit over here...
164
00:09:07,447 --> 00:09:09,113
Oh, thank you.
165
00:09:09,115 --> 00:09:11,115
You know, Stretch
spoke of you
166
00:09:11,117 --> 00:09:13,618
with great affection
many times.
167
00:09:13,620 --> 00:09:15,419
Oh, well, hey,
listen.
168
00:09:15,421 --> 00:09:17,355
I and all the boys
down at work,
169
00:09:17,357 --> 00:09:19,357
we was crazy
about Stretch.
170
00:09:19,359 --> 00:09:21,892
Yes, but you were one
of his favorite friends.
171
00:09:21,894 --> 00:09:25,529
Well, listen.
I'd do anything for Stretch.
172
00:09:25,531 --> 00:09:27,731
Yes, I know.
That's why I've come to ask
173
00:09:27,733 --> 00:09:30,468
a very special favor of you
in Stretch's memory.
174
00:09:30,470 --> 00:09:32,069
Oh? What kind of a favor?
175
00:09:32,071 --> 00:09:36,340
Well, it seems that the family
finds itself in the position--
176
00:09:36,342 --> 00:09:37,675
Oh, hold it, hold it.
177
00:09:37,677 --> 00:09:39,677
You want me
to chip in for the funeral,
178
00:09:39,679 --> 00:09:42,580
I mean 10 bucks, maybe 20 tops.
179
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:44,982
Oh, no, that's all been
taken care of.
180
00:09:44,984 --> 00:09:47,285
Oh, yeah?
Oh, yes.
181
00:09:47,287 --> 00:09:50,721
Listen, I would've went to 50.
182
00:09:50,723 --> 00:09:54,292
The family
wanted me to ask you if you would honor us
183
00:09:54,294 --> 00:09:56,561
by saying a few words
at the funeral.
184
00:09:59,865 --> 00:10:02,566
Saying a few words?
Yes.
185
00:10:02,568 --> 00:10:04,201
Me?
Yes.
186
00:10:04,203 --> 00:10:06,004
No.
Yeah.
187
00:10:06,006 --> 00:10:07,471
No.
Yes.
188
00:10:07,473 --> 00:10:09,206
No.
Yeah.
189
00:10:09,208 --> 00:10:11,942
No. And stay out
of this, will ya?
190
00:10:11,944 --> 00:10:13,377
Harry,
let me tell you--
191
00:10:13,379 --> 00:10:15,913
I think Stretch would
have wanted it that way, Mr. Bunker.
192
00:10:15,915 --> 00:10:17,614
Well, that may be,
193
00:10:17,616 --> 00:10:19,716
but look, Harry,
to tell you the truth, uh...
194
00:10:19,718 --> 00:10:24,055
See, I'm very different
from most people.
195
00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:25,957
Death bothers me,
you know?
196
00:10:27,392 --> 00:10:29,693
The hole
in the ground there,
197
00:10:29,695 --> 00:10:32,964
the coffin, the straps
and the rollers,
198
00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:34,531
and the thing goin'
down--and--
199
00:10:34,533 --> 00:10:38,302
I can't get no joy
out of that, Harry.
200
00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:41,839
Oh, Archie,
do it for Stretch.
201
00:10:41,841 --> 00:10:47,778
This might be the last chance
to do something nice for him.
202
00:10:47,780 --> 00:10:49,280
Edith, I can't do it.
203
00:10:49,282 --> 00:10:54,051
Archie, he might be
listenin' to us right now.
204
00:10:58,090 --> 00:10:59,423
Okay. Yeah, all right.
205
00:10:59,425 --> 00:11:01,325
Thank you, Mr. Bunker.
Thank you.
206
00:11:01,327 --> 00:11:02,926
The funeral is
at noon on Sunday.
207
00:11:02,928 --> 00:11:05,429
Here is the address.
Thank you and God bless you.
208
00:11:05,431 --> 00:11:07,931
Good-bye.
Wouldn't you like a cup of coffee?
209
00:11:07,933 --> 00:11:10,701
Oh, no, thanks.
I still have to pick out the coffin.
210
00:11:10,703 --> 00:11:12,603
Ah, why couldn't you
say "container"?
211
00:11:12,605 --> 00:11:13,537
Bye.
212
00:11:15,607 --> 00:11:16,807
Hey, wait a minute.
213
00:11:16,809 --> 00:11:18,442
Wait a minute! No, no.
Call him back, Edith!
214
00:11:18,444 --> 00:11:20,011
Call him back.
I changed my mind.
215
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:21,012
I can't go
through with it.
216
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:22,313
But why not?
217
00:11:22,315 --> 00:11:23,614
Edith, Edith,
I can't-- I can't--
218
00:11:23,616 --> 00:11:25,549
All right, look at it
this way, Edith.
219
00:11:25,551 --> 00:11:26,918
I ain't no good at this.
220
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,219
How would you like
to see me
221
00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:30,754
just louse up
poor Stretch's funeral?
222
00:11:30,756 --> 00:11:33,557
Oh, Archie, you
ain't gonna do that.
223
00:11:33,559 --> 00:11:35,659
You've been
to lots of funerals.
224
00:11:35,661 --> 00:11:37,295
I know. I know, Edith,
225
00:11:37,297 --> 00:11:41,632
but I ain't never yet
delivered a urology.
226
00:11:48,406 --> 00:11:50,241
Hey, Arch.
Yeah?
227
00:11:50,243 --> 00:11:53,244
I finished your eulogy for ya.
You're gonna love it.
228
00:11:53,246 --> 00:11:57,915
Oh, gee, great.
I was awful worried about that. Let me see it.
229
00:11:57,917 --> 00:11:59,984
Hey, this is one time
when it pays
230
00:11:59,986 --> 00:12:02,286
to have a professor
in the family, huh?
231
00:12:02,288 --> 00:12:04,455
Let's see what you got me here.
232
00:12:04,457 --> 00:12:08,792
Ah. "Friends." Good.
233
00:12:08,794 --> 00:12:14,999
"I have been asked to pay
tribute to my good friend Stretch Cunningham."
234
00:12:15,001 --> 00:12:16,567
Good.
235
00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:20,238
"For what is the measure
of a man..."
236
00:12:21,873 --> 00:12:25,142
That's good.
237
00:12:25,144 --> 00:12:31,148
"He comes into this world
torn naked...
238
00:12:31,150 --> 00:12:34,585
from his mother's womb."
239
00:12:43,795 --> 00:12:45,162
Good, huh?
240
00:12:45,164 --> 00:12:48,498
Am I supposed to say this?
241
00:12:48,500 --> 00:12:51,202
"Over the departed remains,"
huh?
242
00:12:51,204 --> 00:12:54,772
"To console the dearly
beloved remainders"?
243
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:59,309
"Torn naked from
his mother's womb"?
244
00:13:00,546 --> 00:13:02,046
Well, what do you wanna say?
245
00:13:02,048 --> 00:13:04,749
He was torn from his mother's
womb wearing a tuxedo?
246
00:13:04,751 --> 00:13:06,784
Don't be making no jokes.
A man is dead...
247
00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:10,387
[BOTH YELLING AT ONCE]
248
00:13:10,389 --> 00:13:13,157
Wait a minute. Wait, wait.
I didn't want to do this.
249
00:13:13,159 --> 00:13:15,926
It ain't that I don't appreciate
what you're trying to do,
250
00:13:15,928 --> 00:13:18,062
but can't you put
a little religion into that thing?
251
00:13:18,064 --> 00:13:20,397
Even though you don't
believe in it there.
252
00:13:20,399 --> 00:13:22,766
You know what I mean?
Just try to sprinkle a few things in there.
253
00:13:22,768 --> 00:13:25,602
"Lord" or "God."
"Jesus" in there, you know?
254
00:13:25,604 --> 00:13:28,539
Arch, how do we know
Stretch was religious?
255
00:13:28,541 --> 00:13:30,875
I don't care
if he was or not.
256
00:13:30,877 --> 00:13:33,210
Don't you understand?
He's dead now.
257
00:13:33,212 --> 00:13:35,913
Dead is the time
for religion.
258
00:13:35,915 --> 00:13:39,684
Hey. You gotta sprinkle
some holy names in there
259
00:13:39,686 --> 00:13:42,987
to let them know up there
that the good man is on his way.
260
00:13:42,989 --> 00:13:46,290
Oh, you mean it's like
making a reservation.
261
00:13:46,292 --> 00:13:47,457
Yes.
262
00:13:47,459 --> 00:13:50,127
Why don't you send 'em
a telegram?
263
00:13:50,129 --> 00:13:51,996
Ohh.
264
00:13:51,998 --> 00:13:53,664
You're gonna be sorry
for that, buddy.
265
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:55,933
You're gonna be very sorry.
Wait till you die.
266
00:13:55,935 --> 00:13:58,202
Wait till you see
how disappointed you're going to be.
267
00:13:58,204 --> 00:14:00,137
There ain't gonna be
no Bible for you there,
268
00:14:00,139 --> 00:14:02,039
no coffin, no services,
no nothing.
269
00:14:02,041 --> 00:14:04,541
I know. I'm going
to be cremated.
270
00:14:04,543 --> 00:14:07,644
No. You're going
to be minced.
271
00:14:09,414 --> 00:14:13,150
And you're gonna
be stuffed into one of them intestinary cases
272
00:14:13,152 --> 00:14:15,619
like a Polack sausage.
273
00:14:15,621 --> 00:14:17,854
And they're gonna hang you
in the refrigerator,
274
00:14:17,856 --> 00:14:20,057
'cause that's where you spent
the most of your life.
275
00:14:21,392 --> 00:14:23,293
It won't make any
difference to me, Arch,
276
00:14:23,295 --> 00:14:24,829
because I won't know it.
277
00:14:24,831 --> 00:14:26,964
Oh, no, no.
You won't know it,
278
00:14:26,966 --> 00:14:29,400
but your immortal soul
will knoweth it
279
00:14:29,402 --> 00:14:32,302
when it departeth
from your bodieth, buddy,
280
00:14:32,304 --> 00:14:34,371
and it winds up
burnin' and bubblin'
281
00:14:34,373 --> 00:14:36,173
in the fires and
brimstones of hell.
282
00:14:36,175 --> 00:14:38,175
Which, of course, I know
you don't believe in hell.
283
00:14:38,177 --> 00:14:39,410
That's right.
284
00:14:39,412 --> 00:14:41,412
Let me ask you something.
I always wanted to ask you.
285
00:14:41,414 --> 00:14:45,316
Did you ever in your life
tell anybody, "go to hell"?
286
00:14:45,318 --> 00:14:46,650
Oh, don't give me
a long story.
287
00:14:46,652 --> 00:14:48,518
Give me a "yes" or "no."
Yes.
288
00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:52,456
Yes! Well, where'd you
want 'em to go, Disneyland?
289
00:14:52,458 --> 00:14:55,725
Arch, that's just
an expression.
290
00:14:55,727 --> 00:14:57,394
Ohh, an expression.
291
00:14:57,396 --> 00:14:59,329
Oh, buddy, wait till
you get down there,
292
00:14:59,331 --> 00:15:03,000
and the devil
and all his little nimps are running around there
293
00:15:03,002 --> 00:15:08,338
with their red-hot pitchforks,
waiting to stick 'em into your heiney there.
294
00:15:08,340 --> 00:15:12,009
I want to be there
when you look the devil in the eye
295
00:15:12,011 --> 00:15:14,178
and say, "I ain't
burnin' down here.
296
00:15:14,180 --> 00:15:16,747
That's just an expression."
297
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:19,416
Boy, the devil's gonna
give you the hee-haw.
298
00:15:19,418 --> 00:15:21,952
And, uh, Arch,
you say that hell
299
00:15:21,954 --> 00:15:24,221
is down there
in the bowels of the Earth?
300
00:15:24,223 --> 00:15:25,856
Down in the bowels
of the Earth,
301
00:15:25,858 --> 00:15:27,958
where nobody livin'
can find.
302
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:30,027
I don't know, Arch.
Exxon's drillin' all over the place.
303
00:15:30,029 --> 00:15:31,729
They're bound
to find it.
304
00:15:31,731 --> 00:15:33,663
Keep on talking, buddy.
305
00:15:33,665 --> 00:15:36,333
You're only making Him
madder and madder there.
306
00:15:36,335 --> 00:15:37,334
You pointin' at God?
307
00:15:37,336 --> 00:15:38,668
Just for a second.
308
00:15:38,670 --> 00:15:41,138
Come on. Sit down here
and get to this thing.
309
00:15:41,140 --> 00:15:43,106
Please put a little
religion in here.
310
00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:45,643
Now, Stretch needs it.
He needs it.
311
00:15:45,645 --> 00:15:48,311
That afternoon sinning
is the worst kind of all.
312
00:15:48,313 --> 00:15:50,080
What?
Do it, do it. Just do it.
313
00:15:50,082 --> 00:15:51,281
But what am I
supposed to write?
314
00:15:51,283 --> 00:15:52,883
Oh, I'm gonna help you.
I'm gonna help you.
315
00:15:52,885 --> 00:15:54,885
Here.
Just a minute.
316
00:15:54,887 --> 00:15:57,054
All right.
Here's the pencil, see?
317
00:15:57,056 --> 00:15:59,089
Now, here's the Good Book.
318
00:15:59,091 --> 00:16:00,858
[GROANS]
What do you want me to do with that?
319
00:16:00,860 --> 00:16:03,393
Come on, atheist.
Don't be afraid of it there.
320
00:16:03,395 --> 00:16:05,529
It ain't a booby-trap.
It's only the Bible.
321
00:16:05,531 --> 00:16:07,831
There. Open it up.
I'll bet you find something good
322
00:16:07,833 --> 00:16:09,266
on the front page.
323
00:16:09,268 --> 00:16:10,901
You know, you're right?
There's something perfect.
324
00:16:10,903 --> 00:16:11,936
What is it?
325
00:16:11,938 --> 00:16:13,671
Placed here
by the Gideon Society.
326
00:16:13,673 --> 00:16:16,540
Property of
the Ramada Inn.
327
00:16:22,747 --> 00:16:24,081
Archie, come on.
328
00:16:24,083 --> 00:16:25,582
It's in here.
It's late.
329
00:16:25,584 --> 00:16:26,884
I don't wanna
go right in.
330
00:16:26,886 --> 00:16:28,852
I don't wanna
go right in. I can't go right in.
331
00:16:28,854 --> 00:16:30,654
Oh, yes, you can.
I can't, I can't.
332
00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:35,159
Archie, remember the story
of the little choo-choo train
333
00:16:35,161 --> 00:16:37,194
that was trying
to get up the hill?
334
00:16:37,196 --> 00:16:39,062
It kept saying,
"I think I can,
335
00:16:39,064 --> 00:16:41,064
I think I can,
I think I can." Stop that. Stop that.
336
00:16:41,066 --> 00:16:43,167
Stop that. Stop it.
And it did.
337
00:16:45,837 --> 00:16:47,471
Every time
you tell me that story,
338
00:16:47,473 --> 00:16:49,673
I wish to God I was
on that damn little train.
339
00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:51,275
Come on.
They're startin'.
340
00:16:54,412 --> 00:16:56,347
[MAN CHANTS PRAYER]
341
00:17:01,286 --> 00:17:02,285
Come on.
342
00:17:02,287 --> 00:17:04,120
Come on, come on.
We made a mistake.
343
00:17:04,122 --> 00:17:05,989
This is a funeral
for a Jewish guy here.
344
00:17:05,991 --> 00:17:08,325
EDITH: But wait.
There's Mr. Moss.
345
00:17:08,327 --> 00:17:09,993
Mr. Bunker,
I'm so glad you're here.
346
00:17:09,995 --> 00:17:11,228
We're just about
ready for you.
347
00:17:11,230 --> 00:17:12,463
Here's your yarmulke.
348
00:17:12,465 --> 00:17:14,131
[WHIMPERS]
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
349
00:17:14,133 --> 00:17:15,499
Wait a minute,
wait a minute.
350
00:17:16,668 --> 00:17:18,669
What's going on, Edith?
351
00:17:18,671 --> 00:17:21,605
I guess Stretch
must have been Jewish.
352
00:17:21,607 --> 00:17:23,840
Stretch Jewish?
353
00:17:23,842 --> 00:17:25,676
With a name
like Cunningham?
354
00:17:25,678 --> 00:17:30,113
Oh, well, Archie,
what's in a name?
355
00:17:30,115 --> 00:17:34,418
A Jewish name ain't supposed
to have no "ham" in it, Edith.
356
00:17:42,794 --> 00:17:46,096
I can't believe this.
If he was really Jewish,
357
00:17:46,098 --> 00:17:49,233
why didn't he tell us,
some of his closest buddies?
358
00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:51,035
It wouldn't have
made no difference.
359
00:17:51,037 --> 00:17:54,671
Maybe he thought
it would.
360
00:17:55,841 --> 00:17:57,842
Friends, we are here today
to say farewell
361
00:17:57,844 --> 00:17:59,776
to Jerome Cunningham,
362
00:17:59,778 --> 00:18:02,512
beloved son
of Heim Cohenheimer.
363
00:18:06,484 --> 00:18:08,986
A close friend of Jerome's
is here today
364
00:18:08,988 --> 00:18:10,154
to say some parting words.
365
00:18:10,156 --> 00:18:11,355
Mr. Archie Bunker.
366
00:18:12,623 --> 00:18:15,225
Wait a minute.
Don't forget your beanie!
367
00:18:29,774 --> 00:18:31,107
Ouch!
368
00:18:32,677 --> 00:18:35,646
Don't put your foot
in the aisle.
369
00:18:56,401 --> 00:18:57,334
Um...
370
00:18:58,403 --> 00:19:00,337
See, I, uh...
371
00:19:00,339 --> 00:19:05,509
I had a--a speech
here to read,
372
00:19:05,511 --> 00:19:07,010
but it's, uh--
373
00:19:07,012 --> 00:19:11,315
it's got two or three
"Jesus's" in it here.
374
00:19:15,353 --> 00:19:17,187
Not that--
there's nothin' wrong with that.
375
00:19:17,189 --> 00:19:20,990
I mean, after all,
Jesus himself was a Jew,
376
00:19:20,992 --> 00:19:25,762
till his father sat him down
and told him "No more of that."
377
00:19:31,769 --> 00:19:35,071
But, even so,
I--I couldn't use it,
378
00:19:35,073 --> 00:19:37,507
'cause it--it's got
"heavens" in there, too,
379
00:19:37,509 --> 00:19:40,210
and I don't know if
Stretch believed in heaven.
380
00:19:40,212 --> 00:19:42,613
And, uh--
well, even if he did,
381
00:19:42,615 --> 00:19:44,414
maybe he wouldn't
wanna go there,
382
00:19:44,416 --> 00:19:45,915
because, uh--
383
00:19:45,917 --> 00:19:50,520
well, it's full of Christians
up there, you know?
384
00:19:53,591 --> 00:19:56,593
And him bein' a Jew,
maybe he'd be scared
385
00:19:56,595 --> 00:19:58,328
they'd be layin' for him
up there.
386
00:19:59,431 --> 00:20:00,431
Uh...
387
00:20:00,433 --> 00:20:02,366
Well...
388
00:20:02,368 --> 00:20:05,068
Uh, I worked shoulder
to shoulder with Stretch
389
00:20:05,070 --> 00:20:08,906
for 11 or 12 years,
and I knew him good.
390
00:20:08,908 --> 00:20:12,142
Well, not as good
as I thought.
391
00:20:12,144 --> 00:20:14,244
I mean, uh--
392
00:20:14,246 --> 00:20:17,180
I wish I'da knew
he was Jewish,
393
00:20:17,182 --> 00:20:18,481
because, uh,
394
00:20:18,483 --> 00:20:22,386
there was an awful lot
of remarks and jokes
395
00:20:22,388 --> 00:20:24,654
passed around
the job there, you know?
396
00:20:24,656 --> 00:20:28,358
Some of the other guys
was great for that, you know.
397
00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:31,295
And not that Stretch
ever felt bad.
398
00:20:31,297 --> 00:20:33,663
No, he was one of them
up guys, you know?
399
00:20:33,665 --> 00:20:35,698
One of the uppest
guys you ever met, see?
400
00:20:35,700 --> 00:20:37,734
He was always laughin',
tellin' jokes himself.
401
00:20:37,736 --> 00:20:40,270
Many a Jewish joke he told.
402
00:20:40,272 --> 00:20:44,207
Uh, like he told the one about
the priest said to the rabbi...
403
00:20:48,212 --> 00:20:50,714
He told about the priest
said to the rabbi,
404
00:20:50,716 --> 00:20:52,716
"How come you never
eat no ham?"
405
00:20:52,718 --> 00:20:54,752
And the rabbi says, "Well,
it's against my religion."
406
00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:56,353
Then the rabbi
said to the priest,
407
00:20:56,355 --> 00:20:57,954
"How come you never
go out with a girl?"
408
00:20:57,956 --> 00:20:59,890
And the priest said, "Well,
that's against my religion."
409
00:20:59,892 --> 00:21:03,193
And the rabbi said,
"You oughta try it. It's better than ham."
410
00:21:15,272 --> 00:21:17,741
But...
411
00:21:17,743 --> 00:21:21,478
I wouldn'ta believed that
Stretch was a Jew, you know?
412
00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:24,982
'Cause, uh...
I mean, after all, uh...
413
00:21:24,984 --> 00:21:26,349
I mean, he wasn't a doctor
414
00:21:26,351 --> 00:21:28,184
or a lawyer or in
the dress business.
415
00:21:28,186 --> 00:21:30,153
Nothin' like that.
416
00:21:30,155 --> 00:21:33,824
I mean, he was just--
like myself, he was just a--
417
00:21:33,826 --> 00:21:37,227
a-a-an ordinary,
hard-workin' stiff, and...
418
00:21:37,229 --> 00:21:38,528
well--oh.
419
00:21:41,966 --> 00:21:44,434
Well...I mean...
420
00:21:44,436 --> 00:21:46,302
A hard-workin' union man,
421
00:21:46,304 --> 00:21:51,174
and--and you could never
tell that Stretch was Jewish
422
00:21:51,176 --> 00:21:53,376
by lookin' at his face.
423
00:21:53,378 --> 00:21:55,445
And I never seen
nothin' else.
424
00:21:55,447 --> 00:21:57,581
Well, I--I mean...
425
00:22:02,053 --> 00:22:04,788
Um...
426
00:22:04,790 --> 00:22:08,659
No, like a birth certificate,
or nothin' like that, you know?
427
00:22:10,828 --> 00:22:14,330
Well, I'd better
wind this up.
428
00:22:15,533 --> 00:22:19,436
Uh, I heard it said that...
429
00:22:19,438 --> 00:22:24,741
that the blues--
you know, havin' the blues
430
00:22:24,743 --> 00:22:27,478
takes years off of your life.
431
00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:30,380
And, if that's true,
432
00:22:30,382 --> 00:22:34,585
then...it must be true
that laughin' puts years on--
433
00:22:34,587 --> 00:22:36,587
on your life.
434
00:22:36,589 --> 00:22:38,021
And, if that's true,
435
00:22:38,023 --> 00:22:43,794
then Stretch put
some years on my life.
436
00:22:43,796 --> 00:22:45,796
And, uh...
437
00:22:45,798 --> 00:22:52,235
And you gotta love a guy
for doin' that.
438
00:22:53,872 --> 00:22:55,171
So, uh...
439
00:22:56,774 --> 00:23:00,277
Uh, Stretch--
uh, Jerome...
440
00:23:01,612 --> 00:23:05,949
Uh, unless you're down
at this end here...
441
00:23:14,626 --> 00:23:18,462
I--I only wish that
while you was livin', and...
442
00:23:18,464 --> 00:23:22,032
while you was livin'...
443
00:23:22,034 --> 00:23:27,971
that, uh, I made you laugh
a little more.
444
00:23:44,989 --> 00:23:47,190
Shalom.
445
00:23:52,664 --> 00:23:55,098
[CRIES]
446
00:24:03,908 --> 00:24:07,243
What are you cryin' for?
I wasn't that bad.
447
00:24:32,504 --> 00:24:34,972
♪
448
00:24:34,974 --> 00:24:37,474
All in the Family
was recorded on tape
449
00:24:37,476 --> 00:24:39,710
before a live audience.
450
00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:44,310
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0